A Change of Heart Left Behind
by JustAnotherCaskettFan
Summary: "... His hesitation is what really makes it clear; how major she has screwed up... " An AU ending of the episode 8x02 XX. Because they both hurt so much it was hard to watch.


A/N: Hey! So, I finished this last week, but didn't have time to read it over until now. I know I'm a little late for last week's episode fics, but I'll post it anyway.

This is an AU ending to 8x02 XX. I can understand why Kate does as she does, I guess, but that did not stop me from feeling incredibly sorry for Castle. I could hear and see his heart breaking (and hers, really) through my computer screen (kudos for Stana and Nathan for blowing us away, as always!). This is just what I thought up. Love it, hate it, leave it, do as you like. Of course, if you enjoy it, that's always nice to hear (review button right there ;) ).

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, nor the dialogue in the first part of the story. Those belong to abc.

XXXXX

 _Her heart was pounding in her chest, the next words out of her mouth leaving her hollow inside. "I have to go."_

" _Why?" His instant response almost made it easier to answer. Almost._

" _I- I have to get my head right, I have to figure some things out, so that… we can have a happily ever after." The words felt like venom. They were already supposed to have that._

 _His skeptical look was like a stab of an unsharpened knife. "Where is this coming from?"_ Oh, Castle. _"Is it because of your AG-team, or Bracken?" His words twisting the knife. "Why are you giving up on our marriage?" There he was pulling it out and plunging in back in again._

 _She pulled back. She had to pull back if she was going to survive this. "I- I'm trying to save it."_

" _By leaving me?" Again, the promptness of his answer both unsettled her and gave her no time to think. Then, as if his mood changing before her eyes, he had to go be the sweet, perfect man that she married. "Look, if you have a problem, we have a problem. That's how this works."_

" _I know." She didn't. How could she, when she was about to do this to him? "But Castle? Not this time."_

" _Whatever it is, Beckett, we can figure it out. Like always" No, stop being reasonable. Stop being kind. Stop being exactly what she needed._

" _Rick, do you trust me?" Now, that was a low blow._

" _Of course"_

" _I need you to trust me now. I have to do this on my own. And when it's done, I hope that just, that I, whe, tha- I hope that you'll have room in your heart to take me back." How could he, when she is ruining everything?_

" _You know, before Bracken was killed, he told me you'd never be happy just being my wife." His hesitation is what really makes it clear; how major she has screwed up, how low she has sunk. "Please don't tell me that son of a bitch knew you better than I do."_

" _I love you" Well, what good is that, then? "I always will." The last whisper of 'forgive me' seems incredibly stupid. Why should he? She is the villain here. She is the monster, the heartless creature with no limits to her destruction._

 _She had to leave. Now. Or else, she would never get the guts to leave._

XXXXX

Her knees where shaking. Another sob tore out from deep within her, tears now flowing freely down her cheeks. The bag fell off her shoulder, the thump it made as it hit the ground almost hitting her as hard as the bullet did just four and a half years ago. The pain was piercing through her with equal force. She could not do it. There was no way she could leave him in there, going off on a witch-hunt. He was her life now. Her soul. He was her everything and more than that.

Swinging around, she almost felt dizzy and physically sick. She was about to leave him. There were only a couple of steps left to the elevator. She actually made plans to leave him for this, this-… stupid case!

The few shaky steps back to the loft felt like miles. It felt like she had just ran a marathon, just to find out that she forgot her participation slip by the starting line, and now she had to go back. However, this desperate, hopeless feeling was much better than the one she had just felt. Because it was not that hopeless. She was about to leave him, to go out the door, leaving her heart on the floor in the loft, for him to decide what to do with. He could step on it, or throw it out the window. He could do what he wanted with it, because she left it with him. Well, he already had it, of course. Still, this was different. She had no use for it without him. Usually, she used it for loving him, but why would she need it if she left him, then?

Turning inside the doorway, she could see him standing in the exact place she left him, his head bent, hands covering his face.

"Cas-"It came out as no more than a strangled sob, as if she was pushing so hard to just get out half of his name. It did not sound like her. In fact, it did not even sound human, like an animal suffering from great torture, trying to hold on, to stay alive, to come out strong on top of this, and yet, failing it massively.

As if some miracle, he heard her. At least he must have thought he heard something, because his head lifted, arms falling limply at his sides.

His face was a wet mess. His eyes were red rimmed, glazed over as if a flood was threatening to spill every second. At the same time, it looked as if it already had. His cheeks were soaked with tears, the salty drops still spilling from his eyes, trying to win a race to his chin. The usually big, strong frame of her husband was hunched over, like a hurt animal, like a prey just waiting for the killing blow. His lean arms were hanging there as if they did not belong, as if placed somewhere they would do no good. Was this what she had done to him, what she reduced him to? Did she have such power over him, such a crushing capacity to his soul? She knew he had that over her, of course, and she knew that he loved her, so very much. But that she had this much power?

The remaining steps over to him felt like another mile, and she felt more relieved and more shredded at the same time, for each step she took. As she took the last step towards him, her legs gave out under her, making her fall to her knees at his feet. Her legs slid slowly out to the sides, making her sit on the floor in a W-position, like a child. She leant forward, her forehead making contact with his thighs, her hands gripping the sides of his jeans as if he was the only thing holding her to this place. And, in truth, he was.

A loud sob tore from her throat. Then another. She buried her head even deeper into his thighs, clinging to him for dear life.

"I can't… I can't… I can't" She kept repeating it like a mantra. And she could not. There was no way she could leave him. Not only would it break him apart, it would tear her to pieces, until all that was left of her was dust-sized particles.

She didn't feel him shifting. His hands were closing and opening, as if he could not decide what to do with himself. Then, suddenly, he got to the floor in front of her, his arms coming around her and pulling her to him. She came easily, falling into him as if she was drowning, and he was the only hope she had of ever having another breath of air.

"I-I- soo sorry" Her voice strangled by the heart wrenching sobs that tore free from her no matter how hard she tried to fight them. "I- I love you. I can't-" the sobs took over, her whole frame moving against his.

Finally, he found his voice. "No, no, shhh, it's okay" he said softly, a hand slowly gliding along the back of her skull in a soothing manner.

She started shaking her head no. "No, no, no, don't forgive me this!" She was almost shouting into his ear. "You are my everything. I was gonna leave you at the first sight of trouble. No, Castle, don't- don't forgive me that easily. I don't deserve it!" her tears took over once again.

He pulled back from her, holding her head softly between his hands. Her nails were digging into her palms, her hands crumbling the shirt at his sides. "You came right back. You probably had some good intention with this, trying to keep me safe." The love and compassion in his eyes were enough to break her apart a thousand times over. "But you couldn't leave me. That's all that matters. All that matters, Kate." His gentle smile was the last drop. She flung herself against him, their lips smacking together like hungry lions, yet at the same time like they were both caressing a butterfly. He tumbled over backwards, his back landing on the floor with a silent thud.

They lay there for a moment, silently absorbed in each other's presence, their bodies glued together as Velcro straps with the addition of duct tape binding them. Finally, she pulled back; just to get an inch of space between their faces. "I'm sorry. I love you, and I never should have even thought about it."

His gentle heart, his capacity to forgive, would always astound her. "I love you too, no matter what."

"We'll get through this CIA crap, right?" Her hesitancy showed in her eyes, and the way she bit her lip was a sure fire way to tell him how insecure she was about this.

"Of course, honey. We always do."

XXXXX

The end


End file.
